Save Myself
by Kiki Warbler
Summary: Prequel to Name...this is John thinking about things..


A/N: Okay, so I was kicking this around, but I kinda wanted to write John's feelings about when Cheryl left him, so this is kind of a prequel of sorts…the song's 'Crawling Back To You' by Backstreet Boys…enjoy!

_**Everybody knows that I was such a fool to ever let go of you**_

_**But baby I was wrong**_

_**Yeah I know I said we'd be better off alone**_

_**It was time that we moved on**_

_**I know I broke your heart, I didn't mean to break your heart**_

_**But baby here I am**_

**I don't know how I could have been such a dumbass, but I was. We were just trying to get it all done so we could go home and spend time with our significant others. Robby had promised his wife that we'd be home for the weekend, so we were busting our ass to get home. Then she came in screaming at me, and it didn't fit for the song we were recording. So, I halted recording and walked out of the booth, looking at her. My girlfriend, Cheryl Curtis. The most beautiful British woman I'd ever met in my entire life. And she was also not the type of girl I'd have fallen for. She was curvy, in all the right places and had the reddest hair I think I've ever seen, though she once admitted to me that it wasn't her real color.**

"**Honey, I got the job!"**

**She yelled. She was walking around the corner as she said this, but she was so excited. We had to go back and re-record that line, but I didn't care. All I wanted at this point was to just get her home in bed. I was exhausted. I'd been in the booth since 9AM and just wanted to eat, curl up in bed and watch a movie with my best friend. So, I don't know why I reacted the way I did.**

"**Cheryl, god damn it, can't you see we're recording here? You've been yelling for the last twenty minutes! What the fuck?"**

"**I got the job."**

"**What job?"**

"**The job to be the Queen's liaison to the British army….Johnny, this means the world to me."**

**And I knew right away what she was talking about. War. Punishment, bleeding Blue and Red. She was a nurse, that's what she did. She was so amazing at it, too. I knew that this was coming, because she'd told me she was going to take the promotion if it had come up. I shook my head. I didn't want her to go, but anything I said to her was just going to set her off about me holding her back. And I didn't want that. I just wanted her safe here with me…that was all. **

"**Oh, god. Babe, I'm sorry! I completely forgot! Congratulations! We should celebrate!"**

**She looked sad. I didn't realize that me forgetting her job interview was today was going to make her sad. She took out her cell phone and started texting someone, and then glared up at me. She grabbed the coat that she had thrown on the sofa and glared at me.**

"**No. Johnny this is not like you! You never forget anything! Even our anniversary, and you forgot that! You forgot to take Mason to the vet! You forgot to sign your divorce papers? How do you do that? Really? You know what, Johnny? You work on your music, because when I walk out this door I'm not coming back."**

**I looked at her. She'd threatened to leave me all the time. This was second nature to her. Anymore, I didn't believe her when she said she would do it. Which anymore, was like everyday when she got angry. So, I decided to challenge her. I didn't realize that would be the biggest mistake of my life.**

"**You won't leave me, Cheryl."**

"**I will. And I am. I'm sorry, Johnny. I can't do this anymore."**

**She said to me, and dashing out. And that was the last time I'd ever seen her. And I regretted that statement everyday. I was expecting her to come back. And then she never did. I realized then just what an ass I'd been.**

_**Banging on your front door**_

_**My pride spilled on the floor**_

_**My hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you**_

_**Begging for a second chance**_

_**Are you gonna let me in?**_

_**I was running from the truth now I'm crawling back to you**_

**I had to do everything in my power to get my girl back. It'd been two weeks at this point, and I was lost without her. She was everything I wanted to be. I needed to find her. I went by her apartment and her stuff was gone. Everything. Her furniture, her car, her life…our life. Gone. And I needed to find her. She had no family here. Her mom Lucy and her dad, Peter, died when she was fifteen, and her sister, Jayma was killed in the war. I knew she couldn't run far. She had nowhere to go. I drove past Buckingham Palace and wondered if she was in there. I briefly wondered what it would take to get in there. I shook my head and drove back to the hotel I was staying at, and that's when I heard the radio report.**

"**And in other news, Queen Elizabeth's Liaison, Cheryl Curtis, has been elected to the RAF. In an interview with the BBC, Miss Curtis told reporter Martin Bashir that she was honored for the opportunity to represent her country and that it was a huge coup for women everywhere. Here now is a clip."**

"**I think this is the perfect opportunity for me. My sister, Jayma was killed a few years ago, in Afghanistan and she was defending our freedom. I'm not going to finish Jayma's work. Nobody can do that, I'm going to set a barrier for British women everywhere. If they want to be a soldier in the RAF, then they can."**

**I almost died. She was going into the RAF. I knew that she'd get what she wanted. She always did. It was just how she was. But this was different. I'd felt betrayed that she'd left me for this whole thing. But I had to let her go…she wasn't mine. And I understood that. But dammit, I knew that this feeling in my chest was nothing more than guilt. But I gave so much to her. And now I'm kind of lost without her. I walked into the hotel and went to my room to drown my sorrows in the strongest vodka I could find, but for some reason, she just couldn't escape my mind. I passed out after the vodka worked and pretended that she was laying by my side. Just like it should be.**

_**I know you're in there and you can make me wait**_

_**But I'm not goin' away**_

_**It's the least that I can do, just to tell you face to face**_

_**I was lying to myself, now I'm dying in this hell**_

_**Girl I know you're mad, I can't blame you for being mad**_

_**But baby here I am**_

**Here we are, three months into Cheryl being gone, and I don't feel as lost as I did. But there still is that loss there. I was able to make it through my days a single minute at a time. I've been trying to track her whereabouts, but to no avail. Last I'd heard she was fighting for Women's Rights in Afghanistan and had been arrested twice for protests. I had gotten a letter from her, but I don't think she'd intended to send it. I remembered what that letter said…**

_**Dearest Johnny,**_

_**I'm in Afghanistan. It's different than anywhere else I've been as the Queen's liaison. How I lucked into joining the RAF, I'll never know. Sure, life is a strange journey, but I'm doing okay. We're trying to clear out some landmines, but it's tricky because we don't know which are live and which are not. **_

_**I hope everything's good with you. Hope Nightmares and Dreams is coming together well. Can't wait to hear it. I'll write again in a couple months.**_

_**Yours,**_

_**Cheryl**_

**That was it. It was enough to get my heart racing. That's for sure. She didn't know that we'd changed the album name from Nightmares and Dreams to Something For The Rest Of Us, but that point was moot. I'd write her a letter and tell her that we'd changed the name of the CD. That would be the last letter I'd ever get from her. I scribbled my letter onto a tablet and dropped it into an envelope. I put it into the mailbox and went off to the studio. We were a few hours into a tough recording session when one of the producers stuck his head into the office and motioned for me to come around. They'd seen something on CNN that they thought would interest me. That's when I saw the headline.**

**BREAKING NEWS: Liaison to Queen Elizabeth in critical condition…**

I felt my heart sink to my chest. I remember Cheryl telling me there were four of them going. But when I saw her picture up there on the screen, my heart sunk into my chest. That smile, that red hair…that everything. I knew what I had to do. I had to go to Germany to sit with her. CNN had said they had transported her to Rammstein Air Base in Frankfurt, and I was going. Going to tell her how I really felt.

_Banging on your front door_

_My pride spilled on the floor_

_My hands and knees are bruised and now I'm crawling back to you_

_Begging for a second chance_

_Are you gonna let me in?_

_I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you_

_If you could see these tears I'm crying_

_Touch these hands they can't stop shaking_

_Hear my heart that's barely beating_

_You will see a different man_

She never knew I was there. And that's a secret I'm going to keep with me forever. She doesn't need to know that I'm such a sucker for her. You would think by now I'd get it. But she's just my whole life. Of course, I realized that when she started coming around, that she wouldn't want me there. And now here it is, eighteen months later, and the article is staring me in the face like a slap. Ted DiBiase Jr, has married my girl. And here we are, touring for SFTROU and we're in London again, the place that it all started. I don't know how I feel about Ted putting his hands all over my girl. I didn't like that one bit. But there was a part of me that just wanted Cheryl to be happy. I had enough love inside me for her to want her to be happy, and I know that she'd do the same for me. I kept the newspaper article that announced her marriage and continued on towards the concert venue, the O2 Arena. That's when my cell phone rang. I looked at it and recognized the area code, but not the phone number itself. When I went to answer it, I was blown away by who it was. It was Cheryl. We talked and then she started reliving things in our relationship, and I didn't want to think about it…until she told me that she loved me. Then it seemed like everything was falling into place with us. But she was married…of course I resistant to declare any feelings towards her. She sounded unhappy with him, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell her how I feel. Until she started describing everything that we used to do together. And that's what broke me. What broke me was that, right there. I fought it, and I fought it hard. But then I let it get to me. I had her where I wanted her, and it made me realize that I'd been fighting it. I was so in love with her…and I couldn't get over her. I couldn't. I wouldn't. And then I did the one thing I had to do, I admitted it to her. And that's when our lives changed.

_But baby here I amBanging on your front doorMy pride spilled on the floorMy hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you (come on)Begging for a second chanceAre you gonna let me in? (let me in)I was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to youBanging on your front door (darling)My pride spilled on the floorI was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to you, yeahNow I'm crawling back to youCrawling back to youCrawling back to youCrawling back to you _

I'm going to keep her closer to me this time. Now I know what's more important to me…Cheryl. And our life together. And where ever I go, she does.

-The end


End file.
